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Last year: The bad news is that the project is going to be helping to test this product. I hate testing. |
I swear, there was no growth at all yesterday morning as I left for work, but when I came home yesterday afternoon, the yard was covered with a fuzzy stubble of inch-long stems. It's a little uneven, and we'll probably have to re-seed some areas, but it's coming up!
I credit the weather. We planted on Saturday, and had a couple of coolish days where it rained. Good, soaking rain, too, neither mere mist nor the sort of driving rain that washes away the dirt. And then Wednesday and Thursday the temperature spiked, going up into the 90s. Pretty, cloudless days that drove sunshine deep into the grasseed. We couldn't have planned it better if we'd tried.
The autumnal equinox is today-ish... Here's to hoping that by the vernal equinox, we have an actual lawn instead of a refugee camp for weeds!
Of course, if that happens then the next project will be to get some more Roundup and spot-treat the weeds that are left. I don't mind the little flower-y ones, or even the clover since it gets mowed short every other week... but the crabgrass has got to go.
So I made a complete ass of myself last night. As always, the darkness in my brain burns away with the rising of the sun, and now I know just how stupid I was being. I wasn't entirely at fault, but I sure do feel like an idiot.
When I'd called Kris to let her know that I wasn't supposed to play tennis for a while, I'd suggested getting together, anyway. I've been suffering from cabin fever for a while, and I wanted company, even if I wasn't getting out of the house. She agreed that sounded good, and said she would call when she got home from work so we could make more specific plans.
When the phone rang at 5:45, I was a little surprised, but figured she'd gotten away a little earlier than usual. But it turned out to be Braz. Jeremy had invited Braz and Kris out for dinner, and Braz had apparently accepted before checking with Kris. When he'd called Kris to tell her, she'd reminded him that they were supposed to come over to our house.
"So," Braz asked, "What are y'all doing for dinner?"
Matt had left not five minutes before the phone rang to go play basketball. Braz cursed his timing.
"Where are you going?" I asked, thinking that I might go anyway, without Matt.
They were going to the Outback. I love the Outback. Love it, love it, love it. But I didn't have the points for it. Alas. I was sortof halfway hoping he'd suggest going someplace a little more diet-friendly, but since I hadn't even been properly invited, I didn't want to bring it up myself. There was only awkward stammering.
I told Braz I was tempted to say to hell with the diet and go anyway.
"No," said Braz. "I'll be your conscience. You'll just feel bad about it later. Don't blow your diet."
I sighed and agreed. But Braz was still squirming over breaking their promise to come visit. I suggested that they go on out to dinner with Jeremy and Elizabeth, and then come over to visit afterwards. "You don't mind?" Braz asked.
Shit, yes, I minded, but there really wasn't anything I could do about it. I reassured Braz everything would be fine, fixed myself some soup for dinner, and went back to reading my book.
Sad book. I hit the lowpoint just before Matt got home, but managed to dry my eyes before he came in. I explained the situation, and he nodded and went upstairs to take a shower and check his e-mail. I went back to the book. The climb up out of the lowpoint of the book was just as moving as the lowpoint itself.
About 8:00, Matt came downstairs and watched a little TV, landing on Emeril Live, one of my favorite cooking shows. Emeril is just cool. I put the book away and watched. Matt got bored and went back upstairs to the computer.
At 8:30, as Matt came through to get a soda, I said, "I don't think they're coming."
"Nope," Matt agreed.
I stopped looking out the window hoping to see headlights, and started anticipating the phone. The call came at about 8:45. Matt took it, and as I watched the end of Emeril's show (strawberry sorbet and creme anglaise, mmm) I heard him chatting and laughing.
When the show was over, I went upstairs to change for bed and put some heat on my knee, which is slowly going back to normal. While I was changing, Matt came in to tell me what Braz had said.
I was still wrapped up in the emotion of the book. Still cabin-feverish. Still a little miffed at being stood up. I tried not to listen, but I couldn't help it. I tried not to look at him, tried not to let it get to me.
But when Matt wound up by telling me about still more plans everyone had - for today - that I hadn't been invited to, I couldn't hold it back any longer. I started crying, hysterically. Couldn't talk, to tell Matt what was wrong. Could barely breathe, for the first few minutes.
I felt like an accessory. No one wanted me along if Matt wasn't going to be there. Not unusual. Almost all of our friends are actually Matt's friends who kindof like me, too. But last night, it killed me. I was tired of spending my evenings alone. Tired of having to always invite myself along. Tired of having to initiate contact. Doesn't every group of friends have one person who's only there because they won't take the hint, because everyone else is too polite to tell them to go away? I cried on Matt for almost an hour.
Half of me wanted to call Braz and tell him what a dick he was for doing this to me, but the part of me that was still rational knew I was only doing it to myself.
It's ridiculous now, in the light of day. They're my friends; they don't just put up with me for Matt's sake. If they don't invite me along, it's because they want to spend time with other people, or because they think I wouldn't want to go anyway, or because they think I know I'm automatically welcome, not knowing that I hate inviting myself.
I was just stupid. As Matt said, just a moment of insecurity, a moment of self-doubt. My fault, mostly, that I can't just believe that people like me - that I have to make them prove it over and over again.
It hurt to write this, to bare my foolishness to the universe. I almost put it in my anonymous journal instead. But I created that journal in order to talk about things that might embarrass others. There's nothing here that's shameful for anyone but me. If I hadn't been reading such an emotional book, I probably would've just been miffed, and shrugged it off. If I'd been a little faster on my feet, I might've gone ahead and met them anyway, and just had a baked potato and tea, or something. I'm just an idiot, sometimes.
Sorry, guys. Cheerful thoughts for a Friday morning, eh? Here's hoping the weekend is happier.
Word of the Day: equinox - either of the two times each year (approx. March 21 and September 23) when the sun crosses the equator and day and night are everywhere of equal length
News of the Weird: Ex-con Robs Bank So He Can Return To Prison
-- A 76-year-old ex-convict walked into a bank on Monday and handed a teller a note demanding two $50 bills.
As the man left the bank, he said he would be sitting in his car smoking a cigarette, waiting for police to come take him back to prison.
- The Deed of Paksennarion by Elizabeth Moon
Current Projects:
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Diet Progress: 15 lbs lost
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