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Last year: Is it okay if I give up on baseball? |
"Not much," I confessed, "but I want to talk to you about that when the boys aren't around."
We went upstairs and I talked with her while she located the clothes she wanted to wear to play tennis. I told her about the moment I had Friday afternoon, when - for quite possibly the first time in my adult life - I actually and honestly felt great about myself.
I told her about how I spent the weekend thinking about that moment, trying to figure out exactly where it came from, and that I'd come up with this list:
- For the past few months, I've been much more active than usual, both physically and socially.
- It was a beautiful, almost perfect day.
- Last (and probably least), I was wearing my yellow shirt. (Stop laughing.)
And then some more thoughts crossed my mind. My husband loves me, and he thinks I am beautiful and sexy. My friends love me, and what I look like doesn't really matter to them one way or another. I would like to be in better shape - not because I want to lose weight, but because I want to be able to keep up better when we're playing tennis or frisbee or whatnot. My weight... is a non-issue.
So Kris and I decided we were going to ditch the diets. I think she'd really only been dieting in the hopes of slimming down for her friend's wedding this coming weekend, and it failed - she's having to have her bridesmaid's dress made over for her. I had been dieting because I felt I should - but with no clear idea of why, other than to support Kris.
Our plan now is to try to stay active. Hard to do in the late autumn and winter, but we'll try. Maybe "active" doesn't necessarily mean hard physical activity, but merely getting up off our duffs and going somewhere. Bowling, maybe. To the movies. Shopping. Anywhere but sedate and sedated on our couches.
We're going to make an effort to enjoy life. We're going to try to stop snacking because we're bored (which I think is my biggest problem). It's okay if I say, "You know, I feel like having a snack," and then get up and have one. It's not okay if I say, "I've got nothing better to do, so I'll have something to eat." (To that end, I'm going to keep up the crocheting, even if I give it all away. It's a two-handed job, so I can't eat while I'm doing it.)
Maybe, just maybe, if we follow a plan of enjoying life, then joy in life will come to us.
The boys were a little insensitive about it, but it wasn't entirely their faults. I didn't really want to tell them both all of this, because it felt a little corny and personal, and as good as I am about revealing these things here in this journal, it takes an awful lot of effort for me to say that sort of thing in person. I'd gotten all flustered talking to Kris about it, even.
So while Kris changed, I went downstairs and said, "Announcement number one: Kris and I are no longer dieting."
"Oh? Why?"
My brain raced, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: "It's just not where we want to be right now."
In context, it made sense. For the boys, who had no context with which to work, it was a hysterically cheesy thing to say. "Are you going to go find yourselves, too?" he asked, gesturing wildly and expansively.
I could feel my face burning. I hate being embarrassed. Well, everyone does. Only two things kept me from either kicking them in the shins or bursting into tears right there: 1) I knew they thought their teasing was in good humor - they weren't trying to be hurtful. And 2) I've learned that if you admit to being embarrassed, it only encourages teasing. I gamely tried to ride it out.
Matt suddenly barked with laughter. "Does this mean we're going to Ben and Jerry's?" he asked.
Well, actually, when we'd decided we weren't dieting any more, Kris had expressed a desire for ice cream. Trying to ride it out, I grinned. "Well, that's announcement number two," I laughed. "After we play some tennis."
They continued to tease, while I felt my good humor slowly slipping away. I finally snapped at them to at least leave Kris out of it, since she wasn't the one who had said the stupid thing. That reduced the comments a lot, though I have no hope that they'll be forgotten anytime soon.
Later, getting ready to go to bed, I pinpointed the source of my unease: I didn't want them thinking that we'd thrown over the diet in a shared moment of weakness, just because we wanted ice cream. I wanted them to know this was a reasoned and considered decision. I screwed up my courage and told Matt what I'd told Kris earlier.
Much to my relief, he took me seriously. Even the part about the yellow shirt. (That is to say, he wasn't actually serious, but he didn't give me any reason to believe he was taking what I said lightly.)
"You are beautiful," he told me, "and all I want is for you to be happy."
Gosh, I love my husband.
So there we go. No more diet. That doesn't mean I'm going to run to the office kitchen when I'm done here and fix myself a coffee with six sugars. It doesn't mean I'm going to start eating whole boxes of doughnuts or entire bags of chips. It doesn't mean that I'm going to add to the planned holiday baking.
The idea is to eat sensibly without fretting over precise amounts and adding up every little point. The idea is to take enjoyment from our food. The idea is to learn to love being who we are.
I can't promise that it'll be an easy road. I have no doubt that I'll experience occasional relapses into hating myself and my body. But I think - I hope - that if I continue to stay active, and continue to control the boredom snacking, then I'll be healthy, and the weight will take care of itself.
Word of the Day: telegenic - well-suited to the medium of television; having an appearance and manner that are markedly attractive to television viewers
(Couldn't find a way to work this one in, guys. Sorry.)
- nothing
Current Projects:
- Crafty things
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