23 April 2001
Weekend? What weekend?
Well, okay, it wasn't as bad as not having had a weekend at all, but it sure did go too fast. Bank, comics, Chinese food, 7th Sea game, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, watch a DVD, BLAM! it's Monday again.
That's what it feels like, anyway.
I thought about a number of interesting things this weekend, though. I thought about children some more. I read a short story which features an autistic child, and I thought that one of the few things that might stop me from wanting children is the fear that I might have a retarded child.
I pondered the possibility that if there was a God, whether He might decide to punish me for my lack of belief, or my revulsion for the retarded, or both, by giving me a retarded baby. I chastised myself for such an irrational thought, but wondered about it anyway. (If I had a retarded baby, would I blame myself? Would I believe I'd been punished and become extremely religious? Or would I curse what little belief in God I have left and turn from the spiritual world altogether?)
I wondered what I'd do if that happened to me. Would I keep the child? Would I be able to? Would my mother-instinct be stronger or weaker than my revulsion? (Would I hate myself for the rest of my life for that revulsion?) What if they detected it before the baby was born? Would I abort it?
I wondered once again why my prejudice against the retarded is so strong. I considered the nature of prejudice. I thought about how I never even wonder if someone is prejudiced against me, and wondered if I've always been treated as an equal because of my mindset, or if I have that mindset because I've always been treated as an equal.
I thought about feminism, and my fairly mild prejudice against "feminazi"s and I considered the nature of equality. I considered theories: My grandmother, matter-of-factly doing whatever it is that she wants to do, is more of a feminist than bra-burning rebels. The best way to be accepted as an equal is not to demand that it be given to you, but to take it for yourself. Belligerence is a poor substitute for self-confidence.
I thought again about prejudice, and had an epiphany: My philosophy about people requires that I evaluate each person as an individual, based on their skills, personality, and intelligence. But for me, intelligence is the key. I've always been impatient with lack of intelligence (flashback memory to kindergarten, huffing and rolling my eyes that other children couldn't read as well as I could until the teacher scolded me). I am even more impatient with willful lack of intelligence - I've had countless arguments with friends over whether there is any point to watching certain television shows. It makes me angry that intelligent people could deliberately choose to be stupid. But the retarded... They don't have any choice, and they don't have any hope of changing the situation.
In most people, that generates pity. In me, it generates fear that borders on horror.
I wonder if this is how physically-oriented people feel about the physically deficient. Would a physically-oriented person look at my heavy frame with impatience and irritation and think, How can a healthy person deliberately choose to be so unhealthy? Would they look at my wheelchair-bound co-worker with a sympathetic horror similar but orthogonal to mine?
Sometimes I think too much.
Other, less deep, things I thought about this weekend:
"Why am I trying to plant a garden when I can't even keep windowbox plants alive?"
"What is it about popcicles that makes me like them even more than ice cream?"
"Why is it you can get crisp waffles, but not crisp pancakes?"
"Hey! I can kill spiders with the weed whacker!"
"GAH! Too much clutter! Clean the closet!"
Sometimes, I don't think enough.
Word of the Day:
chockablock - brought close together; very full
Currently Reading:
- nothing
Current Projects:
- Kris' afghan
- garden