3 July 2001
I have two browser-based e-mail accounts; one with Hotmail and one with Yahoo. I got them for various reasons, but just lately my hotmail account has become the receptacle for all of my junk e-mail.
I'm not actually complaining about this. A lot of webforms require an e-mail address, and if I suspect they're going to use it for spamming purposes, I give them the hotmail address. And about once a week or so I log in and delete everything.
I must say, I find myself amused by it occasionally. I enjoy seeing the tricks employed to keep me guessing.
The most boring ones have subject lines like, "The information you requested." Especially when they don't bother to make up official-sounding e-mail addresses to send from.
My favorites are the ones with the subject lines like "hey!!!" or "hi" - as if I'm going to squint at the mocked-up sender's e-mail address and mentally force it to match the name of a long-lost friend who might be trying to get in touch with me.
And then there are those with no attempt whatsoever at subtlety. If I were an archaeologist with only a printout of my Hotmail Inbox to study, I would be forced to conclude that the only people allowed to used computers in this day and age are uneducated, financially desperate, and sexually inadequate men. Or, at any rate, that I seem to have gotten flagged somewhere, in some database, as an uneducated, financially desperate, and sexually inadequate man.
I get an offer for a university diploma at least three times a week. Too bad for these people that I have two of my own already. Anyway, their offer lacks a certain flair when they mis-spell my name. But at least they have the decency to pretend to show me a username that pretends to be from a university.
My favorite diploma offer seems to be attempting to capitalize on the wild success of the <Topic> For Dummies books, only they're not nearly so polite about it. The subject line reads merely, "Don't be stupid." I confess, it intrigued me enough to make me open the e-mail!
The money-making schemes and offers range from wildly excited ("NEW FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITY!!!") to pityingly contemptuous ("make 1000's and get out of debt fast!") and the e-mails themselves never, ever disclose the actual scheme.
But I'm most amused by the e-mails that think I'm male. And sexually inadequate, at that. You would think that somewhere, the database would have flagged the fact that "Elizabeth" probably isn't male. But maybe they assume I'm actually a horny fifteen-year-old boy wandering around the Internet pretending to be an overweight thirty-year-old woman. Sure. Why not?
In any case, these people seem terribly concerned about the state of my penis. It's awfully nice of them, but I can't help but wonder. They've promised me any number of things that seem not only dubious, but downright undesireable.
The one the had me literally on the floor was the promise (and oh I wish I'd saved this one!) that they would... let me see if I can recall the precise phrasing... make it "HARD ENOUGH TO SMASH ROCKS!!!" That one worried me, actually. Now, not being male, I've never actually experienced the kind of pain that can be caused by having something slammed into my penis. But I've known any number of males in my life, and I'm a little worried about the poor men who agreed to be test subjects for this program. Did they actually have to smash rocks, or was it sufficient just to chip them a little?
And quite aside from the pain that would be caused by slamming one's penis into rocks, it seems to me that it would be pretty painful to build up enough pressure to make it that hard. (An observation which was agreed to by several males of my acquaintance, in fact.)
Just lately, they're concerned with its size. Obviously, my penis is quite small - not existing at all - and so they've latched on to this. Just last week, they promised me a "DICK BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!" They didn't specify whether they were talking about a policeman's nightstick, which is long but relatively slender, or a caveman's club, which has both length and width to its credit. But in any case, I was a little annoyed with the imprecision: Clubs do, after all, come in many sizes. What size club are they guaranteeing to exceed?
And again - I worry about the comfort factor. Off-the-shelf pants only come with but so much space, after all. And safety factors arise, as well! Achieving an erection with a penis that large could only dangerously reduce the body's blood pressure, resulting in dizziness or fainting, and possibly even brain damage from lack of oxygen.
But then, I suppose anyone who would respond to one of these ads is probably a little brain damaged to begin with.
Word of the Day:
succinct - marked by compact, precise expression without wasted words: concise
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