3 October 2001
Well, here we go. I promised you my theory on flirting and why nice guys win so rarely...
As shy as I am, I can be awfully flirtateous when I'm comfortable, and recently I've watched other women flirt, and I've had a few thoughts on why, and how we select our targets. Maybe I'm talking to myself - maybe all the other women out there figured this stuff out in middle school - but I've only recently been able to recognize them, and to put words to them. And I know a lot of men don't know these things. So I'm going to share a little. You might read what I have to say and think, That was the best insight you could come up with?
To which I respond: Buzz off. I mean, really. This is my journal; I can talk about whatever I want to. So here we go. I apologize for it being so rough around the edges; I've been working on it for two days, and still haven't managed to quite figure out who my audience really is, or how to say some of the things I want to say.
This is going to sound really obvious, but women like to be liked. The thing some guys can't seem to get through their heads, though, is that we want both to be considered physically attractive and to be desired for our personalities. We don't just want to turn you on - though that is on the list. We want to turn you on and make you laugh and stimulate you intellectually and emotionally. Seriously.
Sitting up late with your girlfriend having a discussion about politics and religion, or trading stories about your childhoods, or swapping dirty jokes... It might not get you laid that night, but trust me, it really does mean something to her, and it really does astonishing things for her self-esteem and ego. It makes a difference in the long run. I'd keep going, but then this would turn into a completely different discussion. Just trust me.
Now, the point that brings us to the question, the point that explains why we feel obliged to flirt even when we're actually in a good relationship that makes us happy... This is going to sound stupid, but being desireable to our significant other is not enough. Why not? Well, because they're obviously biased, aren't they? We look around, and think, "Yeah, my man loves me - but do I really still have it? Could I make someone else fall in love with me, just a little bit? Am I still beautiful and sexy; am I still funny; am I still smart and insightful?"
Enter the Other Man. The test subject. Now... if you're in a lousy relationship - even if you don't really know it - the Other Man might be a candidate for a future relationship. I've done that. But if you're in a really good relationship, if you're not interested in something new - but you're still wondering how you rate on that internal scale of desire... Well, then, the Other Man is probably someone who's Safe.
Now, I'm going to explain what makes a guy Safe. Some of this is probably common sense, but some of it may surprise you.
The key to a Safe man is that, no matter how much you flirt with him, you're at least 95% certain he's not going to take you seriously.
As a side note: My father once told me - my father, mind you - that every single woman a man meets is eventually considered as a possible sexual partner, even if he's entirely unattracted to her physically - it's an automatic thing for a guy to at least idly consider the possibility of sleeping with every woman he meets. That gave me the creeping willies for months, but every man I've asked has agreed that was true - and most of them have told me not to take it personally. Men are just wired that way. They literally can not help it.
(If that was a revelation to anyone - and obviously I'm talking to the girls here - try to keep this in mind: Nothing has changed. They're not thinking about you any differently than they have before; it's just that now you know about it. Actions speak louder than words, and words speak louder than thoughts. If you didn't know about this before, then look at it this way: a good guy is still a good guy - he's just a good guy who knows when not to say what's on his mind. Honesty is not always the best policy.)
So when I say a guy is Safe if he's not going to take your flirting seriously - I don't mean that they wouldn't consider it, because if you know him well enough to call him a friend, he already has considered it. But for whatever reason, he's not going to attempt to move things beyond friendship and flirtation.
Another side note: Any man who you might possibly suspect of having a crush on you is automatically Not Safe. The only way a guy who's had a crush on you in the past can make it to the Safe list is to be involved - for a lengthy time and obviously very happily - with someone else.
This is why nice guys always finish last, by the way. A woman who knows a guy is Nice eventually puts him on her Safe list - and we simply can not seriously entertain the notion of dating a Safe guy. Because Safe guys would never go beyond the boundaries that have already been established, right? And a Safe guy who does cross those boundaries, well... Obviously you didn't know him as well as you thought, and he jumps categories - not from Safe to Dateable - but from Safe to Creepy. I'm so sorry, all you Nice Guys out there, but that's the honest truth.
The only way for a Nice Guy to jump categories from Safe to Dateable is for the woman to decide he's suddenly Dateable - and even then there's a protocol to be followed. When she crosses that line, the Nice Guy has to be uncertain. He has to ask if she's sure it's really what she wants. He has to let her push a few times before succumbing to her charms. I know it's not fair, but I'm trying to help you guys. If you're a Nice Guy and a female friend suddenly kisses you, you're going to score way more points if you bite your lip and look worried and say, "Well, gosh, that's awfully tempting, but are you sure it won't hurt our friendship?" than if you grab her and say, "Now that's what I've been waiting for!" Girls really do like Nice Guys, but only if we have some level of assurance that you're going to stay nice.
So anyway, that's Safe. And whether you're looking for a Safe guy or an Dateable one, you have to be at least a little bit attracted to him. Enough so that if you weren't in a committed relationship already - a relationship you have every intention of keeping, mind you - you might consider dating him. Because what's the good of testing your desireability on a man you don't, yourself, desire in the slightest?
So there's your Other Man. And you flirt. Sometimes, but not always, in obvious ways. You snuggle. You have long, involved conversations. You have tickle fights. You trade opinions on books and movies and music. You run your fingers through his hair, or encourage him to do so for you. If you really are looking for a way out of your current relationship, maybe you do more. If not, you consider it anyway, but don't, for a variety of reasons. The true goal, really, is to prove desireability. To elicit reactions that make you think that if you really wanted to, you could complete the seduction.
Okay, so maybe I'm completely wrong, and maybe all that is just me. But I don't really think so.
I used to flirt a lot, and I used to wonder why I couldn't seem to be satisfied with what I already had. I thought it was some terrible flaw in me that made my gaze roam elsewhere.
And who knows? Maybe it is. But it's not the flaw I most feared - that I was incapable of constancy, unable to truly love. What I had trouble grasping until very recently was that the roaming of my eye had less to do with my dissatisfaction with my current relationship (though that affected things) but was mostly caused by this question of desirability.
Not that I'm going to stop flirting, mind you. Flirting is fun. But I'll do it with a greater understanding of my own motives.
Am I still sexy? Am I still fun to be with? Am I still a good conversational partner? Am I still desirable?
And more importantly: Does anyone who isn't already in love with me think so?
Word of the Day:
catachresis - 1: use of the wrong word for the context; 2: use of a forced and especially paradoxical figure of speech
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