22 October 2001
I almost don't want to say anything at all.
But that's where this starts, isn't it? You don't want to hurt people's feelings, so you don't say anything, even when they're driving you crazy.
I had a discussion about this with Jeff a few weeks ago, but I noticed it afresh over this past weekend. We - and by "we" I mean my group of real-time friends - we all talk about each other behind our backs. It's our primary mode of discussion.
I told Jeff I called it the "Nice But" syndrome. "She's really nice, but she takes everything too literally." "He's a sweet guy, but you can't rely on him for anything." "She's a great person, but she's a real prima donna." "He's a good friend, but he has trouble separating fiction from reality." "She's fun to hang out with, but she needs to learn the difference between flirting and hitting on." "He's got a great sense of humor, but what's up with that temper?"
I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. Jeff agreed with me, and added one to the list: "Liz is a great listener, but does she have to repeat everything you tell her?" (Just so you know I don't consider myself immune from the syndrome.)
I'm going to pause for a moment while I wait for all my friends to play the matching game on the previous examples and try to figure out if they're in the list or not. No, I'm not putting names on them, so don't ask. Hang on, they'll catch up in a little while.
We talk about each other all the time, and anyone who isn't around is likely to get lambasted.
It doesn't mean we don't like each other. We do enjoy each others' company, or we wouldn't keep coming back.
But every now and then the sniping and bickering gets old. This weekend, I found myself watching - even participating - and at the same time wondering, How hard would it be to tell people that they're making us crazy? We were even acknowledging that they didn't do it on purpose - they just didn't know.
I found myself wondering whether it might help if I said a few words to a few people. "You know, when you do this, it irritates X." Or, "I know you didn't mean it that way, but when you say Y it hurts Z's feelings."
I seriously considered it. I started composing e-mails in my head.
"Liz is a great listener, but does she have to repeat everything you tell her?"
This is my compromise. If you want to think I'm talking to everyone but you, go right ahead and think that. But in truth, I'm talking even to those of you I don't know, because I'm willing to bet cash money that your friends talk about you, too.
Shut up. Pay attention. Try not to take it too personally... Well, that's not possible. Try to accept it as constructive criticism. And remember that they wouldn't keep coming back if they didn't genuinely like you - but for heaven's sake. Pay. Attention. Something you are doing drives your friends nuts.
Whether you change it or not is your decision. But at least be aware of it. If you can't figure it out, pick out someone you trust and ask them to break it to you gently.
I may be oblivious, but I'm not dumb. I know I talk too much - and if I repeat everything you tell me, it's because I keep hoping it will result in more understanding. But I'm trying to rein it in.
And I know several of our friends think Matt and I are arrogantly flaunting our good fortune and our relatively comfortable financial situation when we keep insisting on picking up the check. (And I know just as well that they know we don't really mean it that way, but it still gets on their nerves.)
I could fill up an entire journal entry just talking about this one - but the short version is this: We'd rather get on your nerves for being too generous than too stingy, and the line in the middle is entirely too thin. If it's making you nuts, help me out - tell me how to come across as generous rather than arrogant; how I can make it plain that I'm giving gifts rather than charity?
If you'll help me work on that, I'll work on the other thing, too, and I won't tell anyone what you said about them behind their backs.
Word of the Day:
epithet - 1: a characterizing word or phrase accompanying or occurring in place of the name of a person or thing; 2: a disparaging or abusive word or phrase
Current Projects:
- drawing
- Kris' afghan
- Hall stuff