15 February 2002

The On Display topic this month is: Write a love letter or valentine to yourself.

There's nothing like being a gamer for self-examination and amateur self-psychology. What kinds of characters do you make; what things do they tend to have in common; what weaknesses do they all share? What does it say about you?

The character tends to have traits that we wish we had, or fantasize about, but you have to be careful. If I play a lot of thieves (and there was a time when I played mostly thieves) then it doesn't mean that I want to become a criminal. I played thieves because - according to game mechanics - thieves are dextrous and graceful, which is something I've never been.

Ask any gamer you like. None of us has ever played for any length of time without attempting to analyze the character choices of ourselves and our fellow gamers. But what we don't do - often, at any rate - is look at the good things those choices have said. Those things are harder to see.

I've played a lot of characters in my time. I've still got statistics and stories for some of my favorites. But right now, it's my Meade Hall characters who loom largest in my mind, who very nearly breathe in my ear.

The one who's been around longest is Zoya. Zoya is (primarily) a mage, so wrapped up in her work that she's positively grateful that her sometime lover is so rarely in town. She's tall and thin, but not especially attractive, and she has no desire to change that. She's a genius and a researcher; occasionally absentminded but fiercely loyal to her friends and staunchly protective of her charges; and uncomfortable with strong emotion from herself or anyone around her.

Next came Kevil. He's a bard, the epitome of "tall, dark, and handsome" - an easy smile and a silver tongue make him quite the charmer. He's aware that he's attractive (he's something of a clotheshorse), but is a firm believer that a person's true beauty and worth has nothing to do with their physical appearance. He believes that love (all forms of love, not just romantic) is sacred, and that it is jealousy rather than hatred which is love's opposite. He's never been jealous of anyone in his life.

And finally Tarri, the young healer-in-training. She's winsomely pretty - neither sexy nor precisely "cute" but the kind of pretty that you want to wrap in something soft and protect, like delicate china or crystal. She's somewhat timid and shy, but has a tendency toward mischief when she's with friends. She doesn't have much use for melodrama, but is even more of a romantic than Kevil, if such a thing is possible. She believes - intently and unswervingly - that there is good in every thing and every person, even if it's been buried. She frightens easily, but has iron enough at her core to do what must be done and save hysterics for later; she worries far more for others than herself.

There's more to them than that, of course. These three have lived in my mind for a year, or more. They whisper to me at night and tell me tales from their pasts, hopes for the future, dreams and fantasies. I understand them better than I understand myself, sometimes - and yet, they illuminate me, and not everything they reveal is ugly.

I am intelligent and loyal; I believe in love and that beauty of the spirit trumps beauty of the body; I am a romantic and an optimist.

I can be charming, and even pretty. (Kevil - most vocal of my three - whispers, "Of course you are pretty, n'shava... Prettier still when you remember to smile, d'va?")

Happy Valentine's Day, Zoya. Happy Valentine's Day, Kevil. Happy Valentine's Day, Tarri. I love all three of you... You help me love myself.

--Liz